Federal Bailout

Written 14 May, 2009

Federal Bailout

I just learned Linden Lab is trying to get a piece of the federal economic stimulus money.

Their claim?

Well, all those failed virtual banks. Since the Lab now owns them, they figure they can cry to the Feds and get $23 billion or so and pay their fat cat executives obscene bonuses.

But as news of the bailout has leaked out, various factions in Second Life have been crying for a piece of the money.

The loudest voices come from the troubled virtual automobile industry. The high cost of prims and a shortage of virtual petroleum (well, that and the fact that nobody really needs a vehicle to get around on the grid) has left the Second Life carmakers in crisis. Fiat wants to buy them all out, of course, but they prefer Federal lindens.

The next loudest are the owners of former casinos. They claim Linden Lab owes them for taking away their right to strip newbies of the little cash they have. Since they can’t get their gambling machines back, they want some of the stim.

Then come the owners of adult content. They want help with relocation expenses when they’re exiled to the now forming adult-only continent. They’re also demanding a freenis and a fregina be placed in the Library so newbies can go straight to Pornucopia without having to stop to shop for equipment.

Landowners are crying too. They’ve seen their 512 square meter parcels plummet in value from $8000+ L to as low as $1000. Loudest of all are the former ad farm owners. Since they can no longer chop the mainland up into 64k parcels with ugly spinning signs, they claim rights to three-quarters of the $23 billion the Lindens will be getting.

Europeans have formed a common front to demand half the stimulus money be distributed to them to make up for the Value Added Tax they’ve been having to pay. They claim it’s immaterial that it’s U.S. money because their virtual lives are spent on servers in the United States.

Former owners of openspaces have queued up as well, claiming Linden Lab defrauded them by making openspaces more readily available and increasing the prim count, then jacking up the price.

And there are more:

• Owners of sims near Burning Life are demanding money, saying the racket keeps them awake at night.
• Furries, tinies, and child avatars are asking $3 billion be spent on anti-discrimination education.
• Tinies are additionally demanding the size of the default prim be reduced from .5 x .5 x .5 meters to .1 x .1 x .1 meters.
• Prim babies are asking for $7 billion for child care. “What are we supposed to do when our mommies and daddies are off the grid sleeping or at work?” said spokesbaby Blingy Primbaby, reading from a prepared statement. “Someone has to change our poopy diapers! Make that $10 billion!”
• Goreans are demanding $2 billion be spent to force newbie males to play female kajirae for three months before being allowed on the mainland. 
• Mall owners are demanding $6 billion in subsidies to fill their mostly-empty stalls and stores.
• Fashionistas are asking for $2 billion to research possible new points for attachments.
• And last of all, there’s me. I’m asking for $4 billion to reimburse me for all the video cards I’ve been forced to buy just so I can walk satisfactorily in world.